Don't Ask this Question to High School Seniors

I want to talk about something that seems innocent enough, but can cause a lot of stress for high school seniors. It’s that classic question: “So, where are you going to college?” or “What are your plans after graduation?” 

If you’ve ever asked a senior this, you might not realize how much pressure it can add to their already full plate. As the first admissions and scholarship deadlines for the year loom, let’s unpack why this seemingly simple question can trigger anxiety and stress for students as they prepare for life after high school.

To begin, let’s acknowledge what senior year looks like. High school seniors are juggling academics, extracurriculars, possibly part-time jobs, and the whole college application process. On top of that, many of them are experiencing a range of emotions as they face the reality that life as they know it is about to change. They’re excited about the future, but also nervous—sometimes even terrified. And then, they start getting that question. The “what are your plans” question. Over and over again.

For many seniors, this question feels like a spotlight. It forces them to summarize their future in a quick soundbite, even when they might not have all the answers yet. And let's be honest—most seniors don’t. That’s because the process is more complex than ever. They might have just hit send recently on an application, still be waiting on acceptance letters, scholarships, or trying to figure out what they actually want to do. And each time they’re asked, it’s a reminder that they haven’t figured it all out. 

Cue the anxiety.

It’s not just the complexity of the college application process that’s a factor. Asking about their plans also makes students feel like they’re being evaluated. Are they applying to a “good” school? Is their plan impressive enough? Some students worry about how their answer will be received. Will it measure up to the expectations of their family, friends, or even strangers who are asking? Whether the question comes from well-meaning relatives or random acquaintances, it can create a sense of judgment that’s hard to shake.

Let’s take a moment to think about the kind of pressure that adds. College is a huge decision, but it’s one part of their larger journey. Asking high school seniors to sum up their future, especially when they’re still figuring it out, can make them feel like they need to have their entire life planned out before they even graduate. And that’s just not realistic.

Another point we need to consider is that not all students follow the same path. Some seniors are excited about a traditional four-year college, while others might be considering community college, trade schools, gap years, or even heading straight into the workforce. For students who aren’t taking the traditional college route, that question—“Where are you going to college?”—can be even more stressful. It can make them feel like their path isn’t valid, or that they’re somehow falling short compared to their peers.

This can be particularly tough because, in many ways, society still pushes the idea that the “best” path is to attend an elite college. While there are certainly benefits to that route, it’s important to recognize that there are many different ways to be successful. When we ask seniors about their plans, it’s worth considering how that question might inadvertently signal to them that there’s only one acceptable answer.

What’s interesting is that many seniors don’t mind talking about their future plans with close friends or family members who really understand them. But it’s the repeated questioning from casual acquaintances that wears them down. Think about it—every time they’re asked, they might feel pressure to give a perfect answer, or they may feel judged if their plans aren’t solid yet. It’s exhausting. And when that question comes up repeatedly, especially in social settings like family gatherings or school events, it can start to feel overwhelming.

So what can we do instead? How can we show our support without adding to the stress? One thing is to simply shift the focus of the conversation. Instead of asking “Where are you going to college?” we can try asking more open-ended questions. Something like*“What’s exciting you about next year?” or “What are you looking forward to after graduation?” These kinds of questions give seniors the space to talk about their future in a way that feels less like an interrogation and more like a conversation.

It’s also important to remember that not knowing exactly what you want to do at 18 is completely normal. In fact, many adults are still figuring things out well into their 30s, 40s, or even beyond. Let’s give high school seniors the grace to take their time. They don’t need to have everything figured out right now.

By being mindful of the questions we ask and how we approach conversations with seniors, we can ease some of the pressure they’re feeling. We can let them know that it’s okay not to have a solid plan yet, and that there are many paths to success. We can shift the focus from “What’s your college plan?” to “What are you passionate about?” or “What are your goals for the next year?” These conversations can be supportive without being stressful.

So, the next time you’re tempted to ask a senior about their college plans, remember that while the question may seem harmless, it can often add pressure during an already stressful time. Instead, ask about their interests, their hopes, and their dreams for the future, even if they don’t have all the details worked out yet. A little shift in perspective can go a long way in helping them feel supported, rather than overwhelmed.